TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely out of position. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let us have another area where American Gentlemen can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply Every person a suite over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A Trump Tower Damascus VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he should stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the project, replied, "You already know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a element getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where attendees could ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "wherever's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is already attracting awareness from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort the place my PTSD might have turn-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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